september 4 2020

if you're wondering why i skipped 4 days, it's because i actually had quite a hard time getting the

journal page to actually show up. sorry about that. i've been drawing a lot lately, mostly working

on this one big piece of concept art for one of my projects. it's coming along nicely.

i keep having a lot of ideas for video games, mainly fangames, and wishing i knew enough

about coding to really conceptualize them. i feel as though i have too much to learn in

too little time if i'm going to create what i want to create...i mean, i am still young,

but perhaps not young enough for my achievements to be super mindblowingly impressive.

maybe that isn't true at all. i'm not sure.

september 6 2020

i woke up extrememly late/early again (1t's 4am). since online school starts in 3 days

it's probably best that i'm getting re-aligned like this. i sort of miss the laziness

i've been taking for granted this entire time, but it also made me feel a bit...lethargic.

i'm not glad to go back to school but i won't be upset. i may or may not get to see my

friends during it, too. i don't know yet.

staying up all night and not going to school was starting to remind me of that one time

between 7th and 8th grade when i was really out of it and just played zelda botw all day.

8:45 am

im sorry i couldnt keep things positive for very long but i'm..not great.

my friend has been messaging me nonstop about his ldr girlfriend and how he

hurt her. i don't think what he did was that bad but it's obviously become a

problem for them. the girlfriend is reacting really horribly on her own though.

i'm worried he's going to do something extreme if she leaves him. he's never been

explicitly suicidal but you really never know anymore. at the very least, i currently

don't have any real means of cutting myself, but i'm not sure if i would do it given the

option. i don't have the energy to deal with this but it's selfish for me to even say

that considering i can't even imagine how he must feel right now. all my life ive never

felt true empathy like i should. i can feel sorry for other people but i can never honestly

relate to how theyre feeling. i dont know if its because of aspergers or what.

i never know what to do because i'm literally just a 2d lover who's never been

with a real person romantically ever. i can't help anyone and i'm so

tired of all this. im sorry. if youre reading this i feel even worse

maybe if i was hurt i would understand how it felt. maybe i need to be hurt.

even if i've stopped cutting i still hurt myself emotionally every day.

i spend hours looking at stuff that makes me physically

sick because i don't feel like i deserve to hide from it. i need help...

september 7 2020

it's 6am. i feel a little better about this whole thing. i got to

go out for the first time in a while and it felt nice...i think

this is gonna be okay. it's not my place to get involved with it

and i've done all that i can really do. i feel...full in a way.

like, i'm satisfied. it's nice but i have no idea how long it

will last.

september 19 2020

i haven't really found the time to update this lately, so there's a bit of news.

i've decided to finish out high school online using a separate program from

what my school offers. hopefully, if i play my cards right i can graduate early.

on the other hand, it means i'll probably never see my friends in person ever

unless i specifically make time to meet with them, which i've always really

been bad at doing. at the very least, i message them all daily, so that's something.

man, corona's a bitch, ain't it?

in less good news, i relapsed again. it wasn't that severe but i think it could scar.

i know relapsing doesn't devalue your progress and all, but it really feels that way.

sometimes i worry that i'm a bad person because i don't try harder. that if i really

cared about the people who loved me i'd stop giving them reasons to worry about me.

that's a real scary thought...

i'm so tired of all of this. i want to go outside again. i want to meet new people,

and see new things, even though i didn't really do any of that before now.

i feel like online school will turn me into a shut in...not like i have much of a choice.

september 20 2020

it's 7am, i woke up around five. on my way upstairs to my computer room i saw a big ass spider

just chillin. i stayed downstairs at first but eventually did get past it...had me acting like

solid snake, hugging the walls and everything. lmao.

i went to the craft store yesterday and got some canvas fabric so i can paint tapestries!

weirdly enough, i actually got the idea from an infamous tumblr artist's exposé thread.

i really hate callouts but they actually did some horrible things so i don't feel

all that guilty.