october 16 2020

i feel a bit happier now. i'm getting semi-regular

art commissions again (i've made $85 this month),

and i've made an utau called tsuiteru (who may end up

with her own page on metalvalley soon...).

i've been questioning my gender lately, but i'm

trying to ignore it because not being cis

would do more harm than good for me.

i'm beginning to feel dirty for the way i feel

about zero. in two years i'll be an adult,

and i will either have to adjust to the way

normal people act, or become another sal9000 or akihiko kondo.

buuuuut since i'm hopefully going to school in florida,

i'll at least be able to say that stranger feet

have walked in my shoes.

october 19 2020

i'm working on more utau stuff lately. i think i have a real passion for it.

it's a lot of fun and i haven't actually finished many projects like this

in a long time. the voice sounds like me and i have a knack for tuning her,

even though she's a bit robotic.

i feel pretty good. things are going well for me, i'm excited to try and get

into art school and my friends and i remain in touch. things are good!

plus, i'm a month clean of self-harm as of today. hrere's to more.

october 24 2020

i worked a lot more on this site and made some digital art i'm proud of.

out of all the projects i've started, i didn't expect this to be the one

thing i actually saw through to the end. but...i'm proud of myself for that.

i got my first followers today, too. getting attention for my work,

even from just a few people, is really uplifting.

i've grown really attached to the unpolished, earnest old-school feel of neocities.

to me, it's everything i was too young to experience back when it was relevant.

another thing i've noticed recently is that, for a while now, there have been songs

i've actually cried to. when i was younger, it was a muuuuch less often thing --

i could probably count on one hand the times i'd cried to any movie, song, or game.

those things just didn't affect me the way they seemed to with so many others.

but now? holy shit, there are...so many songs i can honestly say make me bawl my eyes out.

i think it's because a lot of them hold memories for me now.

when i start thinking about growing up, and memories and shit, it...

it kind of makes me wish zero would hold me. 'course, i have a playlist for that too.

it's got a surprising lack of eyeshine, because even though the vocalist played

zero in mvc, i just...couldn't bring myself to actually like the band.

what can ya do?

october 26 2020

i got a commission from one of my neocities followers! i honestly never would have

expected in a million years to get actual business from this silly little web project.

maybe i should scrub all the weird waifu shit from the site and try to act more like a business page.

...nope, never happening. if you can't handle me at my video game boyfriend,

you don't deserve me at my decent artist dgjdfghdkl

october 27 2020

my mom wants to help me design kawaii lapel pins to sell online. she says that they're really popular

on tiktok and if i got in the business before it really went mainstream, i could make a lot of money.

i have been making them just to test the waters - so far i have a pincushion doll series with a bunny and frog.

i think if i ever just had fuck-you money to spend on whatever i wanted, i'd buy a 1/4 scale bjd

(probably dollfie or smartdoll). i'd either get a cute anime girl or a bishie guy, so i could kinda custom

it to look like zero. that's not weird, is it? i just think they're really nice and well made.

it wouldn't really be all that different from having a figure of zero (i have the figuarts mmz one).

i wish people didn't sexualize bjd so much either...things like angel philia make me real uncomfortable,

probably because dolls are a nostalgic comfort for me..